cowards die many times before their death.

today, as i walked home. i walked pass this tree. the leaves looked like a thousand green stars and i wished so badly that i could be a leaf. because what they do is so simple, i think i could handle it.
i kept walking though and as i walked, i heard my name being called.
i looked around but there was no one there but i kept hearing "Mary! Mary!". then i saw a bird. it was black, a crow or raven or something. it was a mean kind of bird. and it kept shouting my name.
i started to cry and then i ran. i ran really fast up to my house, but i kept hearing it.
but when i closed the door behind me, it stopped and i just fell down and started crying.
i'm not really sure why.
it just felt that if there was ever a time to cry, it would be right then and there.
 
i feel that i am not well. but i don't want help, i just want to not feel that i am not well.

godspell opens today..
william shatner.
fuckityfuckityfuck.
i hate this show.
i hate doing it.
i'm nervous as hell (in fact).
stop the train and let me on.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z9bLEwdRFNU
 
i made this set solely to save this video.
i am doing a huge long ass faux hawk for my godspell costume.
it's going to be hard (thats what she said).
but it's also going to look kick ass.
especially with my kick ass costume
and kick ass make up.
i'm really trying to make this terrible thing at least somewhat enjoyable.

i think our bones would be sticks
ready to crack
broken by silence to say:
"lover, come back!"
_________________________________________
 
my life:
-the office
-godspell
-wishing for death
-missing kyle
-confusion
-grounded.

things have been hell to say the least.
last weekend i tried killing myself after a large argument with my father which resulted in grounding.
things were bad all around and that was it for me.
ryan's depression.
kyle's depression.
and my depression all into one was the worst ever.
so we've all been on edge.
it was kyle who left the middle of his band competition to call me and talk me out of suicide.
i love him so much.
well now, today/tonight kyle attempted suicide after being told that ryan wasn't allowed to hang with him or me anymore because he were a "bad influence".
he had a breakdown in band and refused to go and then called me in the car and told me that he had taken handfulls of pills and would most likely be going to the hospital due to it. after that phonecall i hadn't heard from him.
i don't know whats going on and i miss him so much.
i just want to hold and tell him everything is going to be okay.
if i lose him, i'm gone.

MCR!
new album.
kick ass new song.
amazing new look.
love it.
sooooo.
kyle and i sorted out the whole kissing ordeal with help from ryan and thats all settled.
plus i've decided carly castle is not that good looking and dresses like a weenie and only made ensemble last year in the musical.
still going to kiss ryan, but thats set for friday.
hopefully getting my nose pierced soon.
not positive on that though.
i'd want a ring. :D
homecoming is rearing it's ugly head.
got a dress. not that excited. yet still sort of am.
i don't even know. fucking hate homecoming.
Kyle said he's going to give me a black rose which is pretty cool since i'm wearing White Stripes colors.
yep, sticking to my guns:
red mini dress and black fishnet-like tights.
anyways: no clue what i'm wearing tomorrow plus i need a shower. and i still need to finish my math homework.
:b

so today was good...?
went to rehearsals, which actually wasn't so bad.
divvied out tons of lines and most of them went to me.
so i'm happy about that i guess.
f u c k ing hate Godspell though.
 
then farted around, got yelled at for s h i t and things were sucking a s s. then had a huge confusion with trying to figure out how we (kyle, ryan, summer, and i) were going to hang out and kyle got pissed because ryan was douching it up.
anyways. after we had all had a 4-way (giggity) phone convo and summer and kyle left, ryan and i talked for like a half an hour.
then at like 6:30 Kyle picked me up and we went to go see that kick a s s owl movie.
it was totally epic. seriously intense.
i liked it actually. but i majorly had to piss the whole way through so it wasn't nearly as enjoyable.
but kyle told me that he kissed summer for like 8 seconds at band the other day for no apparent reason, which seriously pissed me off but then he said that i could kiss ryan for 8 seconds but he had to be there to witness it. so thats pretty cool, i guess.
i'm glad that kyle will be there actually, because however evil-whore this might sound, i'm totally going to crazy-kiss ryan and get kyle jealous just like he does to me all the time.
ha, take that b i t c h.
Kyle already told me he was going to be incredibly jealous, but i don't care.
it doesn't bother me so much that they kissed, it bothers me why they kissed.
just imagining summer and kyle kissing totally makes me sad. and pissed.
whatthe f u c k.
 
then afterwards he asked his parents if I could spend the night and they laughed of course and I'm sure they'll have "words" later but Kyle says that he's going to figure out a way for them to say yes.

so lots of shit happening.
heard Kyle play cello for the first time the other day.
whoa.
fuck yes.
i didn't realize how incredibly hot that could be.
like damn.
he's amazing.
monday, after ryan was done at ap physics the three of us walked to the Coffee Co. in the pouring down rain and then cuddled on the couch they have in there. Whitney was working so she gave us extra apple cake. afterwards we went to ryans house and listened to ryan try to sing like marilyn manson, david bowie, freddie mercury, and jack white whilst under a blanket fort we made in his basement.
summer wasn't there which sucked for ryan. :(
but i had a kick ass time.
i'm getting a 102% in French.
how the fuck is that even possible?

http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l933zzeizP1qzynjl.gif

kinda shitty day.
ended well though.
new spot is behind aero propane, though that's probably unsafe.
tomorrow i have to stay after school to go to this district chorus workshop thing.
i don't know why i even signed up for that shit.
but yeah, got the music today.
the music everybody else has been studying since june so they automatically have the upper hand.
but, i'm just going to smile and wing it and see what happens.
not expecting anything.
all i know is that i get to hang out with Summer for the duration of it and afterwards we're hitting up McDonald's haha.
yup, total fat ass over here.